Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize