Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
