turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
