U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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