dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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