I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize