ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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