I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
