i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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