She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
