I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
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