my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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