I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
