i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You took a bar mat shot.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
