I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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