I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
