are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize