she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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