i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
