Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
