We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
