Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
