dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
it's like heaven, but drunker
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize