Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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