I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
