dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
