dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
