First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
