I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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