Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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