imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
