just tell him i said nine months
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
