a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
