Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
