Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
