Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize