There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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