Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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