Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
