booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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