i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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