he thought i was a dude.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
