Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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