Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
