Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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