i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
