All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
