tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize