If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
