Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
My ATM looks so different sober.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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