some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
