The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize