Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
