Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
