you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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