I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
