We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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