WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
