I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You can't just leave with hair like that
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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