I think i peed on brittanys purse
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
