I am in a vortex of obligation.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
