dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
