I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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