Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize