Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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