The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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