That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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