what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
