can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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